I’m not saying my financial adviser is bad at his job…
…but when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, he tried to push me over

What’s another name for long-term investment?
A failed short-term investment.

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

How to make a million in the stock market?
Start with two!

Borrow money from pessimists,
they don’t expect it back.

I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking.” But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.

A client asks his adviser, “where should I invest my money?”
“Put it on booze,” the adviser says. “Where else you get 40%?”

A client asks his adviser, “is all my money really gone?”
“No, of course not,” the adviser says.
“It’s just with somebody else!”

A financial adviser is an expert!
He will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

Just got some good news from my financial planner
…she told me I’d only have to keep working 3 years after I die to afford my retirement.

Roy was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Why did the robber only steal 1% of the bank’s money?
He was a financial advisor.

‘I have bad news and worse news …’ a financial adviser says to his client.
“Which would you like to hear first?”
“The bad news,” the client says.
“All your money will be gone in 24 hours.”
“Oh my gosh,” the client says. “What’s the worse news?”
“I should have made this call yesterday.”

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night.
I woke up every hour and cried.

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand. Good, my dad quickly replied. Wash it again

Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.

How many advisers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hire a lightbulb installer to do it and then charge you 1% of your assets each year.

You know you have a bad financial adviser when …
… you tell him to buy AOL stock and he asks you the ticker symbol.

Just got some good news from my financial planner
…he told me I can retire at 62 and comfortably live for 11 minutes.